A Gremlin, a Greek lsland and a Horse - should have stayed home!

When you have a really bad date you learn what not to do in the future. If only you had known before hand what was in store you could have stayed home!

Well I didn't!

At the first date I should have seen the signs.

"When you are matched by this service you can just go right into a serious relationship" he said.

"HUH - HAIL NO!" is what I thought.

"Hmmm" I said.

No he was not a keeper but he knew I liked horse back riding - thanks to dating service sharing information about me.

He suggested we met to go trail riding. He would take care of details.

Seemed like a good idea - I wanted to ride and besides if I met him there how bad could it be...just wait!

The next weekend we met at a Trail Farm. When I got there he met me at the entrance. "I got the time wrong. The next group leaves in an hour. What do you want to do?"

"How about we wait at the McDonald's a few miles down the road?” I suggested. I was not going to "hang out" with this guy on the side of a road. Please how stupid.

When he went to drive out of the parking area I saw his head in a...a...a...GREMLIN - Good GAWD!! This is a joke right! No...it wasn't. He even had Mardi Gras beads hanging from the rear view mirror.

Can I run! No I will not bail - that would be rude. Besides I had driven to BFE to ride a horse and DAMMIT I was going to ride! Gremlin or no Gremlin!

When we got to the McD's I tried to avert my eyes from the four wheeled monstrosity. When we got in line I ordered a tea and french fries (not to healthy but what I really needed was liquor!!). When the lady said the total I looked at the Gremlin man, he looked at the ceiling.

So I paid! I was going to pay for horseback riding but it would have been polite for Gremlin man to pay for tea and fries since he messed up the time.

Chivalry does not reside in the Gremlin man.

When we sat down Gremlin man went on to talk about his grandfather. According to Gremlin man he grandfather OWNED a GREEK ISALND.

Mentally I was not seeing it.
1) You drive a gremlin
2) You would not pay for my tea and fries.

Then he went on to tell me he had hired a decorator to fix up his new place.

Mentally still not seeing it.

FINALLY! it was time to go back to the Trail Farm.

Since I have had some riding experience I was the first to follow the leader.

The horse I was on really, really wanted to lead. She kept trying to get ahead. What that meant to me on the woodsy trail was she knocked my legs into countless trees as she jockeyed for the top spot. My legs were getting pulled back in ways I was sure would break them - it sure felt like it! I could not get her to stop.

After about an hour of this torture my legs were in agony. I finally had to say enough! I had to stop!

The trail leader was very nice and took us near the entrance so I could get back on land!

As I dismounted my legs gave out.

There I was, a crumpled mess on the ground saying "Oh I am fine" waving them off.

The Gremlin driving, Greek island man got off his horse a few minutes later.

He headed towards me as I was staggering to my car.

He asked how I was. "Better" I said.

He starts doing to oddest thing. He started to go at my head with his head.

Oh HELL he was trying to kiss me!

I did a bob and weave that would make a fighter proud as I dodged for my car.

I waved and dashed off.

He called, I didn't answer, for next few days. He left messages getter madder and madder I would not call him back.

Like I said if I had known that experience was in store for me I would have stayed home!

Belle Red and the Grumpy Penguin

Blind Dates Ahh Blind Dates are they like mystery jelly beans?

One is yummy the next one tastes like ear wax.

Well I think I had that one with the "Grumpy Penguin."

How did he get his name? Hang around so you can be as stunned as I was!

On my set-up dates we met at an Italian restaurant. It seems my blind date "Bill" had been to this restaurant many times before. How do I know this? Well when I sat down across from the man who seemed unable to smile, I was immediately told by said man "I always get the same thing every time I come here." He proceeded to tell me he always gets the lasagna and eats half and takes the rest home for lunch the next day. sigh...Living on the Edge!

As we waited for our food I found out "Bill" was a computer programmer...hmmm. So was my ex-husband. I still didn't want to throw him to the curb just for that so I asked him about his family. He has full custody of a 13 year old daughter.

With his perpetual frown he said "If she knew I was at the mall she would be here right now."

"How old is she?” I asked?

"13"

He them went on to tell me all his daughter wants to do is talk on the phone and shop. "That’s all she does - talk and shop." I tried to explain to the jerk that this is normal for a 13 year old girl. He folded his arms over his chest and pouted yes pouted.

Lord that poor girl!

Complaining about your kids is a major red flag. What a jerk.

As I watched Mr. Personality put his remaining 1/2 lasagna in his doggie bag I knew this man was not for me or anybody who enjoyed light. My thoughts were confirmed when he tossed a card at me. Yes you read that right - "tossed a card at me" His calling card had his name, address, phone number and wait, I had to squint my eyes...an animated penguin in the corner. What the hell!

Run! Run!!!!

For Whom The Bell Tolls - Thee Oh Dud Date

Escaping a badly boring or just plain bad date is a matter a pre-planning.

My engaged friend, when she was in blind date hell, employed a very successful method of escape. She did ultimately have- THE BLIND DATE - her future husband that is. So blind dates can work out...eventually.

Before the date she would set the alarm on her cell phone to go off 30 minutes or so into the date. Of critical importance, she set the ringer to sound like her phone ringer. When the phone rang with "a call" she would answer the call.

"Oh my - Oh dear - How awful!" she would say. She would turn to her date "My _____ has been (or had)_______. I must go!"

Escape!

Other methods employed less successfully: you have a developed a sudden illness - headache, early morning meeting you suddenly remembered, you left the iron and the stove on - hell all the appliances are on having a wild party! (you wish!)

I am sure you can add a few!

Now if he FABULOUS! When the phone "rings" - "Goodness those telemarketers have gotten my cell number! How awful:)!"

Bubba and the Pea

As I ask for dating dos and mostly don't stories from friends I wonder when the don'ts will not out number the dos completely!

Apparently furniture demands are now required by some fool man around here.

Now this all started when Lady A asked Bubba A to come in her house after a date to have more time to chat. He sat on her sofa and tried to make himself comfortable, maybe too comfortable because he proceeded to tell Lady A if she wanted to keep seeing him she had to buy a more comfortable sofa.

Needless to say Bubba and the Pea was never invited over again or seen again.

High maintanence men come in many shapes.

High maintenance men can also be cheap oh so cheap.

Lady A met Bubba B. When the discussion came up of where to have dinner several options were mentioned. Many were deemed too expensive. Well meaning Lady A mentioned Logan's - a reasonable family style restaurant. Bubba B was most offended - Going to Logan's is high falooting living.

Rude and Cheap - 0 for 2

Lady A is said to be holed up in her house reading trashy novels - safer!

Beware the Bald Vegan and Other Internet Dating Tips.

Ahh Internet Dating.

What happened to meeting people at a bar where they lie or mislead to your face? Now lying or misleading has gone high tech!

A brave dear friend shared her internet dating stories with me. She met some masters of misleading.

She is a smart lady never shared personal information. She would screen her "prospects" via email for awhile. Then she arrange to met her a "prospect" at a local coffee shop. All well and good.

Prospect A
When she met Prospect A for coffee he looked like his picture - bald in Match pic and bald at coffee shop. (Good so far!)

He discussed with her that he was a very strict vegetarian. (OK)

He then went on to say he had a hard time meeting women at the temple. (OK he is Jewish)

He then showed her pictures of his young son and daughter. (She noticed his son was bald...hmm...)

He then went on to say he was having a hard time getting his son to wear the orange robes to school (!!!!!!!!- Yikes! Turns out there was a Hare Krishna school near by - so my friend's date was a Hare Krishna)

Propect B
When she met Prospect B for coffee he looked like his picture (good starting point!)

He showed her pictures of his children (cute pics! - devoted dad)

Told her he had them by different women (ok...)

Then told my friend he had not seen children in years (??!!)

Because he had been in prison (BYE!!!)

At this point my friend said enough! She quit for a few months then tried again.

Prospect C
When she met Prospect C for coffee he looked like his picture (again a positive)

From earlier emails she had learned he was new to the area and knew few people because he telecommuted. (Well and Good)

Well after nice chat over coffee Prospect C asked "Do you know what I like best about working from home?"

"What?" my friend asked

"You can work naked and nobody knows it"

At this point she was running for her car!